it’s over.

the most important decision of my life has been made. and it’s been made without me being in the room.

know what the worst part of it is?

i still don’t know what it is. the answer. i know the question.

“will i be a teacher in september and for the rest of my life?”

the answer is sealed.

i believe that decisions of this magnitude should be made with the doors open. but i am outvoted on that and it is behind closed doors that people speak.

but i spoke before the panel.

a group of people who believe that they are acting in the best interests of the school and, even more painfully, me.

i believe it may have been the most eloquent speech that i have ever given. and i managed not to cry until right at the end. not even the end of the speech but the end of the question period.

and i know that i did well because they asked the right questions.

now if they could just give the right answers.

i have no faith in these people.

but i have hope.

and i spoke well and i’m extremely convincing.

but can i shake off years of indoctrination and self-training in an hour?

i can only hope.

patience is a virtue, they tell me.

but i don’t think it actually exists. not in the way that people speak of it.

there’s no such thing as generic patience. it’s a myth.

what do people actually mean by patience?

being patient with children. ok, i’ve got that. you have difficulty learning? difficulty figuring out how to learn? takes three days for you to figure out how to stay on your bicycle? twenty minutes to come up with a first sentence for your essay? not a problem. i call this “teaching patience”. and people are always surprised to witness that i have it. because they believe that patience is a uniform concept, that you are patient with people or not.

it’s contextual, dear reader. as a teacher, particularly in the case of adult-to-child or adult-to-adolescent, i don’t get tired of helping, give up, or contemplate the passage of time being wasted. it’s an investment in the future. and all time invested is good time.

then there’s “commuting patience”. that’s when you’re in a car or on a bus or on an airplane. and you’re waiting for time to pass until you reach your destination. when you’re making solid progress, that’s good. when you’re not, then it’s taxing on the patience. and i have none of that. i don’t mind taking circuitous  routes, as long as i’m moving. airplanes delayed because of turbulence are not a problem for me. it’s when idiocy rears its ugly head and traffic slows or airplanes sit on the tarmac because someone forgot that the computer can take off in fog without an issue and wants to explain to me that people are important in transportation. that’s a subject for another day.

but they think that, because i have so much patience with children that i should be alright with drivers mindlessly wasting my time.

i don’t care if i’m not in a hurry. that’s no excuse for mindlessness. getting from point a to point b is not an exercise in calm deliberation. it’s a study in efficiency. and the average driver, especially in this country, has approximately as much understanding of efficient driving as nuclear physics. perhaps less.

then there’s “roadblock patience”. that’s when one person stands in your way. it doesn’t matter why they think they’re doing it. it doesn’t help. we typically call those people enemies. adversaries. those to be defeated in time. and that’s not a matter of patience, at all. but what i’m talking about is those conceited fools who tell you that they are standing in your way because it’s for your own good. they care about you and want to help. so they stop you from achieving your dreams. i have no patience for this type of absurd mental gymnastics. and if other people would agree with me on this, it would become socially unacceptable and that would be the end of it. but somehow busybodies are everywhere and corrupt the common good. oops.

then we get to “groupthink patience”. that’s when a group of people does the same thing. institutional bureaucracy, for example. we believe that you can only take five courses this semester because that’s the rule. you must drive at 50mph on this road because we say so. social assistance comes out of your paycheque because we believe that it is for your own good.

go away. i don’t need one person standing in my way, never mind large groups of mindless fools making decisions that affect my life.

and it has nothing to do with patience.

give me a classroom and i’ll show you limitless time spent with students. give me a roadblock and i’ll show you that i will win or lose. but never wait.

until tomorrow. which is the real reason for this.

waiting until tomorrow, when a large group makes a decision that will change my life forever. anybody out there believe in intercessory prayer?