i have this argument with people frequently. more often than not, it’s someone calling me to tell me that their significant other (a concept with which i am not comfortable at the best of times but an argument for another day, indeed) has forced them to do something. and they’re bitter.

go away.

that’s not to say that you shouldn’t call me to rant. i’m here for you all. but at least define your words well.

i’m going through a hard time. life is not being nice to me at the moment. and that’s putting it mildly. and hearing about other people’s problems helps. makes me feel like i’m not so alone with it.

being forced to do something involves actual force. go figure. i’ve been through this in relationships before. if i say i don’t like your hair, that doesn’t mean i’m forcing you to change it. if i say i don’t like that you drink, that doesn’t mean that you have no choice but to stop drinking.

there’s a massive gulf between doing something because you care about someone and doing something because you have no choice.

i have recently been reminded about what “no choice” feels like.

i am going to be delayed in my pursuit of the educational profession to which i have committed my life. that’s not because i love you. that’s because i have no choice.

i can’t drink coffee. i have no choice. i’m not doing it because you’ve suggested it. i’m doing it because it hurts like fuck. pardon my italian.

if i say i don’t like it when people get drunk and you stop drinking, that’s fantastic. i’m very happy. and you’re going to be healthier, have more fun, and be less likely to spend your evenings praying to the porcelain gods. but get it right. you’ve made a choice to stop drinking. you might be doing it because you love me. you might be doing it because you are tired of being sick from alcohol consumption. but that doesn’t matter. ok, it matters, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve chosen to do it. you could choose to drink right now. yes, right now. and i won’t stop you. and neither will anyone else, i’d expect. except perhaps your lack of having a beer in the fridge.

i appreciate what people do because they care about me.

and i’m sure other people feel the same way.

but if you’re going to think about being forced to do something, please think again.

i’ll take the martini out of your hand if you’re hurting yourself beyond a reasonable point. i’ll drag you back from crossing the street if you’re going to get hit by a truck. but i’m not going to make you get a haircut, give up your friends, your pot, your booze, or your views on relationship dynamics.

i’ll suggest it.

and may the force be with you.