by this point, you know that my life has shifted.

but let me tell you that it is not over.

it feels like it is and i am certain that i shall spend the rest of my life thinking about this week. but i must continue and become a teacher. there is no choice. there is only one life for me and i shan’t give up on it.

so today has been spent with throwing out the old life and attempting to find solutions that would give me a new path.

but what does it mean to throw out the old life?

i have many friends here. i don’t want to leave this city.

there is a thing about feeling at home in cities. there was one city in which i always felt at home. sterling. close to my grandparents, my family, my heritage, i felt like this was a place that i would call home, even though i never lived there.

i have attempted to find that feeling through all of canada. and i have failed.

until now. i feel at home in vancouver. not completely, mind you, but more than i have ever felt in this country.

and now it looks as if i shall have to leave it behind, leave my friends, my roots, my possessions. since there are few options.

now that i have left the university of british columbia behind me, it is unlikely that i will be able to go somewhere else in this country. and i don’t want to go somewhere else in this country. it is a barren land of frozen wastelands and people who are more concerned with hurting me than with helping themselves.

so it is likely to another place that i shall have to flee.

i’m open to suggestions, though. where can i teach in english to english-speaking students who don’t want to learn, in an inner-city environment, that will let me start the program immediately?

i’m thinking the pacific rim. and that’s where i’ve always wanted to go, anyway.

but i don’t want to leave.

i feel so lost.